Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
