I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
