There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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