make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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