and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
