i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
