I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
