I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
