Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
