I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
