ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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