You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
