i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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