when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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