Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
