I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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