You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Is it penis luge time yet?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
