I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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