I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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