My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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