Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
