totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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