worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Bring me that man meat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
