OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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