i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
