I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
