i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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