omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
