sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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