Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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