I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
