If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
