walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
