Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
