Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
