I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
