my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
