I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can text with my tongue
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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