im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
