I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
