Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
