I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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