Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
