Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
