you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
