i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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