my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
