Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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