if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
