Just cropdusted the office
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
