Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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